Saying NO

I often have trouble saying NO.

I'm pretty sure many people feel that way. I guess because as humans, lots of us have the desire to have others like us and don't want to upset that balance with any type of ripple. Also, saying NO feels very much like a confrontation which I firmly believe half the country will avoid when given the chance.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about saying NO - I want to discuss how to handle it when you get the courage to stand up and politely say no and the person receiving that NO gives you twelve or so reasons why you should change your NO to a YES.

WHAT IS THAT!!!!!?????

I mean, Really?
Come On People!!!!!
Give a girl a break, will ya?!
I said NO - accept it and move on!

So. What do you do in this situation?
How do you keep your cool?
Or don't you?

I'd love to point out to the person that they have not listened to me and that it upsets me but that's not usually do-able. No if I wish to keep the peace, that is.

So, do I just keep repeating myself? Or do I tell them all the reasons their reasons stink? (This could lead to bad places too) *Sigh...*

So, what would YOU do?

Self Acceptance

How do you learn to accept your flaws?

My biggest issue with myself is my weight.
ESPECIALLY since i'm being so mindful lately!
I am not gigantic, but I no longer have the adorable young shape I had in my twenties. I have a bit of a 'spare tire' going on and I HATE it.
It makes me sad to look in the mirror or to see myself in pictures.

Yes, I have committed to doing something about it. I lost almost 60 pounds a few month back, using the Weight Watcher's Online program. I have since gained about 35 pounds back. There are many reasons why. I went through a more serious depression than I ever have before and didn't care what I ate. I felt like I was stuck in a rut with the WW program and couldn't always find the time to prepare my foods properly. I couldn't always afford to eat healthy - groceries are outrageously priced!

So, now I need to either accept myself being heavier or I need to do something about it. People who do not suffer from bouts of depression are probably thinking - "OK girl, get off your ass and make a change. If you want it bad enough, you'll do it and stop whining about it!" right? Oh, if I was ONLY that easy!!!

I think a combination of both would work best for me - get some more weight off but still come to the acceptance that I am never going to have that tiny figure again. I just don't know HOW to do that. I feel like everywhere I go, people look at me and are thinking in their head how fat I am. The logical part of my brain knows that this is probably far fetched as I see tons (no pun intended) of people much much heavier than I am, all the time. 

I need to work on my weight in general (that is such a daunting thought!) and accepting myself as I am.

BUT HOW?????
HOW does one go about doing that?

18 Things I am thankful for

It is 18 days until we celebrate Thanksgiving. There are so many things I am thankful for that it would take me a month of Sundays to list them all. Here are 18 things I am most thankful for, In no particular order…..

1. My beautiful daughter and my two amazing sons.


2. My husbands hard work which allows me to stay home with our littlest.


3. My husband and I have a healthy relationship.


4. The generosity of my Mom.


5. I have some GREAT friends that I can count on.


6. Our home - even thought it’s not what I want, it’s ours and paid for.


7. The loyalty and love of my pets.


8. We are not in debt of any kind.


9. We have the ability to pay our bills on time.


10. I have an amazing support system.
11. Books and audio books.


12. Sewing projects.


13. Cookie week.

14. House plants.


15. Wine, cheese & crackers, Reese’s, lobster and french fries.


16. Laughter.


17. That fact that I currently have control over my depression.


18. Knowing I am loved.

Alcoholics Anonymous

I attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night. I went not only for moral support for a good friend of mine, but also because I thought MAYBE I'd find a bit of the 'group' atmosphere I am searching for. 

It was NOTHING like I thought it would be. 

I knew these meetings were held in church basements, and I expected it to be a bit dingy, but the smell of old coffee (which I don't love) and the smell of cigarettes (I think I may have been the only non-smoker) smacked me in the face HARD as I walked in. It was chilly in there and the hard metal chairs were freezing. I had an open mind, so I put aside these physical annoyances and found a seat. 

I was very surprised at how many times the posters and hangings mentioned 'God' I was under the impression that AA was not a religious group, but this one definitely was. Everyone here seemed to have 'found god' or been saved by 'their higher power'.

Half the people who 'talked' I could not understand. The didn't have many teeth combined, and they all mumbled. One guy with cut off sleeves (it's November) and no teeth got up and read off what I THINK were the '12 steps' as I heard some numbers in there, he mumbled horribly, spoke very fast and never once paused for a breath or looked up at his audience. 

The last person to talk ended his spiel talking about Angels lifting him up off his knees as he was praying and out-of-body experiences - I mean, SERIOUSLY!? 

No one spoke to me, introduced themselves, smiled or made me feel the least bit welcome yet all of the speakers talked about letting the group love you. 

All in all I am glad I went. Now I know. Back to the drawing board I guess.

'Tis The Season

The Christmas things have been in the stores since before Halloween (which I personally think should be illegal!) and I have ignored them. I wanted, this year, to enjoy the season's changes/holidays, individually and not lump them all together. I lumped last year and didn't ENJOY at all.

We decorated inside for Halloween this year and it was so fun! I haven't really enjoyed that in a loooong time. We have Thanksgiving coming up next but don't really decorate much for that. I did purchase a disposable tablecloth that can be drawn on by your thanksgiving guests - oh how fun!

Now, to the meat and potatoes - CHRISTMAS!!!

Please note here - I am not of any belief that has a religious reason to celebrate December 25th. I was born and raised Catholic but have since walked away from that life. I celebrate FAMILY and FRIENDS and think SANTA is FUN. You will not find a manger among my decorations. End of story.

Eight years ago, I moved into a home that does not have a basement. I have always had a basement and did not know that if I stored my Christmas decorations in my shed, that mice would make homes in them and ruin them beyond repair. Do you know that sick feeling you get when you've inadvertently lost something important and meaningful to you? UGH! I was heartsick over it for years and years. I had things from my childhood, from my Aunts, Uncles, and Grandparents. I lost so many items with loads of memories attached, to those darn mice and I have mourned them every year since.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR!!! This year, I shall rebuild!

I have huge opportunities this year to make and buy new items with my family, and that is what I will do. All of the new things will remind me that all THINGS can be replaced and memories can be enhanced. Every year from now on in, I will be forced to remember my positivity from this year and it will make me a happier, more mindful person. 

A Day In A Partial Hospitalization Program.

On October 14th, I finished a week at a partial hospitalization program. What an emotional and inspirational week!

Let’s start with what a day at this type of program is like.
You arrive and sign in and fill out paperwork – you know the type I mean – on a scale of 1 to 5, how sad are you and how much has that sadness affected your life, etc… And of course you circle the highest number, otherwise why would you be there, right?

So next is opening session. You get to state your name and say how you are feeling. Very daunting on the first day but something you almost look forward to on your last day. Then you attend a variety of small and large group sessions and in-between your counselor and psychologist will come and get you for individual sessions. The hospital in this program does provide an edible lunch also.

Some of the silences between patients can be a bit awkward but everyone seems to want help so most people speak up. There is a lot of sharing painful stories and giving a different perspective to others in pain. You quickly learn that you aren't alone. Others hurt too and it is easy to identify with the people you meet.

I don’t know if ill ever find the words to express how very POWERFUL this group setting is. It really was amazing and inspirational  I am very thankful for having been able to participate. 

Check out a small bit of what I took away from this program HERE.